Portal to another world!
Its body slowly takes the water from its hands and pours it back into its place. Swimming across the water, gentle and cool, the solid body begins to enjoy the bright sun. Water trickles down the carcass's face and traces across the sand. Breathing in deeply, the gentle ripples quickly shift into raging aggression, choking on the aggression, the body bobs up, searching for air. Mother nature calms itself down momentarily, letting the body drag itself to shore. It begins to gallivant once more, deeper into the liquid, splashing and slapping back at mother nature. "Plunk.. kerplunk..", it repeats itself. After thinking a moment, mother hisses, becoming silent for a moment, she hisses again then her anger surfaces. Swallowing him and drowning him, deeper and deeper into her world. Escaping her clutches, his arms and legs scream for him, violently hitting her. She lets him go, not attempting to grab him again. Gliding back and enjoying the peace, his mind suddenly changes and he begins a violent streak once more. Outraged, she waits a moment, letting him abuse her surface til he begins to swim back. Then it happens, she grabs him and drags him down. Deciding to tease him like he did her, she brings him to the surface once more before she repetitively bobs him up and down, taking him the the open air and then pushing him back to the bottom. The last of his breath comes, bubbling its last words and everything ends.
What really captured me about your blog was how you described the ocean as mother nature's arms. It was really interesting how you used the abuse that humans give the ocean, dropping trash and such, to the character. It was really intense, as I was reading it, I was really looking at it from nature's eyes, seeing her trash the carcass around in her violent waves.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you described the sound as a hiss, because I did that when I was reading it, I went *hisss!!* and it DID sound like the ocean. I really loved how you gave me like a rhythm, plunk.. kerplunk.. because it gave me, well, not a visual, but a sound to focus on. Then, when I went to listen to the noise, it did sound like it!
I think you could've brought this more to life if you maybe added a little bit more of the sound effects. Maybe, you could've said how after she kept throwing him around, he might've broken a bone, and you could've said like.. "there was a mighty crunch! blahblahblah." That would've really brought it to life, for me.
Great job, gen gen! (STUD!)
I was most impressed by the metaphor at the beginning. The way you wrote "Its body slowly takes the water from its hands and pours it back into its place" made me feel like I was reaching out and pulling the ocean with my bare hands and gently letting it back.You also did a great job of showing, not telling.
ReplyDeleteSeeing the ocean swallow a human and turn him into nothing more than a corpse was a great way of showing what was happening. I also enjoyed when you said "his arms and legs scream for him" like they were the only way the drowning man could communicate his struggle. Amazing details.
Honestly you could have elaborated on the sound more. I love how you interpreted a lot of our human scenes, but I wish I could have heard more. If the assignment was on sight you would have done fabulously, but I wanted to listen to the ocean, not see it.
Beautiful, but slightly frightening
See you In school Nilla Bean! X3